livability

I've always thought I needed to live near water. But what I've learned is that fluidity doesn't always come in the form you expect.

What's the cure when nothing is enough?

fuck all of you.

Again

Pensive is a way to describe

though to which must my heart ascribe

To your body or to your mind?

The way we move in the distance -

The dance I do when I realize

That which there is to fear: You.

Feelings fail, and love I idealize

But something about him -

Like the winter's grasp on life,

Like the torrent's flow

And it's I who've caused this strife.

Perception's rouse: Everything is green-

Induced, not created

Felt, not thought

Realized, not understated.

With him everything is actuality and

Nothing is meaningful.

I want to tell you. I can't explain why and I know (or at least think I know) that it would be a bad idea if I did. But I haven't talked to you, haven't spoken, haven't texted, haven't IMed. Yet, somehow, it feels like there is nothing else in my head. I miss you.

I want to tell you. You are the only person I want to tell. You are the only person I can't tell. I wish this weren't the case. You have been the constant ache in my head, the constant pain in my heart and the constant thing that I've wanted. I miss you.

I want to tell you. I want you to see. I want you to stop being oblivious. I want to stop assuming you are oblivious and hope that on some level you know. I want to see you. I want you to come back. I want to stop being selfish. I want to stop thinking about you. I miss me.

I want to tell you. And I want to see beauty again.

Your veil is clear and I hope you know this.

Thinking outrageously I write in cursive.

Immaturity

That's what I want. To be able to turn to someone and say, "Hey, babe. I love you."

And I want to be able to actually mean it. Each time I say it.

I miss you

I don't know how to say this. Hell, I don't really ever know how to say anything. But you are the first, and you won't be the last. I'm going to keep telling myself that, keep opening that wound instead of letting my memory of you cover me like the only bandage I thought I would ever need.

You are amazing. I am always the first to admit that and I miss you more than I thought anyone could ever be missed.

I hope you never find out what I've realized, yet at the same time, I feel as if I should tell you. Should tell you how important you've been and how hard it has been since I've been missing you. And as I sit here now, in great need of a caffeine fix, it's never been more clear. Because with 90 pages of reading and various pages of writing left to do I find myself thinking not of Virgil, or of literature, but instead my mind keeps wandering back to that same image of you in the park. The same image that has haunted me and my dreams since I've come back to the dreary, sad place I call home.

I know that what I want is impossible. I've known that since I met you. But somehow, my heart, my mind, whatever you want to call it, still aches for you - not even as more than what we've been, but just to see you. I hate this. And I feel like it's something that everyone has gone through or will go through.

For now, though, I just need to forget about what can never happen. I need to meet someone else, revel in their inner and outer beauty. But it seems as if no one will ever come.

I just need to find a way to forget about you because I know, deep down I know, that you won't come back. You are going to stay in your place, your sanctuary - and I in mine. There is no compromise on this. And it is here where I find myself at a crossroad. I don't know where I want to go.

And the cost to forget, the cost of my escape, my drugs, my depression, and the cost of you is becoming far too high.

On safe return

I thought seeing everyone again would help ease my feelings. But, in truth, it's made me miss you more.

touches of grey

he'll survive.

And it would have been perfect.

Oh, confusion. You've bred some of my best thought. But for now, would you kindly go the fuck away?

I'm so glad I met all of you. I don't say it enough but I love you all... despite what I might actually say.

Change is gonna do me good

How can you stay when your heart says no? How can you stop when your feet say go?

Please, don't ruin this for me.

New faces

There are so many new people here and a few old ones, too. I don't know how to handle the rush of familiarity and awkwardness that keeps hitting me in the stomach each time I return to those big brick buildings, those ominous trees and those memories that are no longer true.

Mediation

I wish you both would swallow your pride and take care of the problem that started all of this.

I miss you more than you'll ever know.

Puzzling

What do you do when all you want is to go home and take a nap in your own bed, eat your own food; but what if that "home" isn't in the place you wish it was? What if you want to go home, but you want where home is to change?

I don't know what to do

I've never had these feelings. I'm not used to them and I don't know how to handle them. This is nothing like anything anyone has ever prepared me for. Why is this so hard?

And why do I want it so badly?

There are no words...

Fuck.

An unfamiliar homestead

I never thought that such a new place could feel so comfortable, so nice... so much more like home than that place in the evergreens. I'm going to miss it... and him when I have to leave. I really, really am.

Close

I just needed permission.

Words of wisdom

"A house divided against itself cannot stand."

I don't know what to do. I don't know what happened. And I don't know what is to come. I can only hope that all's well that ends well.

Who knew I would need to repeat this?

Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling.Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling.

Now, will you kindly, speak softly? I would like to understand.

The cure

Who knew it would come from 20 minutes lying in the grass and a few frisbee throws. I appreciate it, I really do.

The ties that bind

I've been part of what's holding you both together - for your sake and mine. But I can no longer handle this. It needs to stop. And it needs to stop, now.

Untitled.

Thank goodness for small things.

On aggression

Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling.Too much yelling. Too much yelling. Too much yelling.

Now, will you kindly, speak softly? I would like to understand.

Faith

I'm not its largest proponent.

But if you could restore mine, I'm going to try my hardest, my absolute hardest, to restore yours.

Positions

In my head I imagined you were all there, in the exact right positions.

I half convinced myself that when I opened my eyes you would be where my mind placed you.

Then I opened my eyes.

The most dangerous game.

Has officially began. I'm looking for you, now.

You:

I'm letting you know I realize that life goes fast, and it's hard to make the good things last.

But that doesn't mean you should stop trying.

Anonymity vs. Notoriety

I don't want either, but is there a difference?

Where the heart is?

When does the place you call "home" change? Under what circumstances does that occur?

These, apparently.

A demilitarized homefront...

= the most hostile place in the world.

Crossroads

I'm coming to see you. Please don't disappoint me - I don't know that I could take it.

Paths

I can see you starting on the same path that I began on when I was your age. And I've been pushing you in the same direction I went for years, now. But I've made a decision: I don't want you to end up where I have. So, no, I won't let you see that ending.

I'll make sure of it.

Thoughts

I'm curious: Is there a reason whenever I'm talking about you and I type in "kid" on my phone, T9 defaults to "lie?"

First time

This is the first entry I've ever written about you.

Hopefully, it won't be the last. I just need you to make up your mind.

For once.

Housewarming

I hope you don't think you've overstayed your welcome - you haven't.

But your presumptions... Well, they have.

Happiness

I need a fix 'cause I'm goin' down. Down to the bits I left uptown.

Fuck.

The Self:

The one thing you and I can't define.

I wrote this for you

Sometimes its just better not to ask.

Familiarity

Seeing that image makes me think of a past somebody. 

Not a good somebody.

Purpose

"What's the point of being alive if you aren't going to communicate?"

--Kurt Vonnegut

Discovery

You've touched me... And I've never been so happy as now that anyone has.

I see change on the horizon. 

Possibility

"Imagine all the people"

And that's what you're helping me to do.

Thank you, you have no idea how much that means.

Boundaries

Your secret has never been surprising.

But I'm afraid this wasn't the first time.

And that it won't be the last.

Assistance...

That's how damaged people get by.

For your sake, though, please keep this in mind: Crutches are only temporary.

On Families

Families are supposed to be close - and you all exemplify that.

Luckily, I've never felt like a part of this family anyway.

< / 3

You two complete one another, I truly believe that.

But completeness doesn't always breed contentment.

Recollection

They say hindsight is always 20/20.

Well, sometimes its easier to just forget.

The Cheshire Cat

"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a cheshire cat in the tree.

'Which road do I take?' she asked?

His response was a question: 'Where do you want to go?'

'I don't know,' Alice answered.

'Then,' said the cat, 'It doesn't matter.'"

Sex.

The adage says that those who know others are wise, but those who know themselves are enlightened.

I suppose you and I are just wise.

1,808/2

I love you, all. 

But you are some of the most selfish people I've ever met.

Distance

You are such a smart person, but I can't control you or the situations you put yourself in.

I just wish you could. 

I don't know what to say

I knew... and always have, but never like this.

You are just like me -- that is frightening. 

Four years later

It just hit me.

And I've never missed you more.

Trails

I always take things two steps at a time.

Why can't you all do the same?

Who am I?

Everything is about me.

To me, everything is an act.

To everyone else, my act is who I am.

So again, who am I?

Answer: I am everyone.

Your first mistake

I can relate everthing to everyone - but never to myself. I suppose thinking I could relate, really was my first mistake.

Believe me...

"When I tell you, 'I'll never do you, no harm'"...

Yeah, right.

Bandwagons

I always seem to be one to jump on, but never to start. A quick fix? Yeah, I need one.